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I need advice about my friend
Topic Started: Jul 31 2014, 08:15 AM (694 Views)
Posted ImageSuper neoN
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Prepare to be amazaed
HI

So.
My best friend of seven years recently got a girlfriend, which is awesome. My two other main friends also think this is awesome, then there's all my other little friends who we won't talk about. Let's just say the characters of this little topic are

Me

Nathan and Jasmine (Nathan's my friend and Jas is his gf)
Liam (Other main friend)
Jason (Other other main friend)

Anyway, they've been going out for about 2 months, however the four of us (Not Jamsine) went away for a month to Malaysia, at that point they were going out for 1 week. Nathan is really serious about this relationship and the entire time we were away he was always complaining about how much he missed Jasmine and how as soon as he gets the chance to talk to her, he will. The entire point of this trip was to try and block out anything from home but he was on facebook whenever he had the chance.

Now you might be wondering what the problem is. The problem is that he's become so clingy to Jasmine that he's been ignoring us at school and outside of school. At one point during our trip to Malaysia he said he'd rather be at home with no one other than Jasmine than be with us. He then stated that if he was in the relationship when the sign ups for the trip were up, he wouldn't have gone.
That hit incredibly hard. The four of us have been best mates for 7 years. I've even gotten myself suspended to get Nathan out of trouble and I've also taken the blame for him twice and been given detention. Also one time he had a druggo from our school poor hot coffee on him and I walked up behind the druggo and poured Banana milk over his head and in his bag to stand up for him.
Basically you could just say that I've always been there for him and I would do anything for him.

Anyway ever since we came home from Malaysia he has seemed to be ignoring us at school. He always hangs out with his girlfriend and if we try to approach him he will tell us to go away. Then after school when we ask him if he wants to play xbox with the four of us he says he can't cause he's hanging out with his girlfriend. He's been going to her house everyday since Monday (It's Thursday night here and he's at her place again.)

We managed to convince him to have a Halo night at his house with all the Halo games, starting with Reach (Chronological order) and we were going to finish all the games by Sunday night (Starting Saturday morning) We asked him if he would text Jasmine saying he won't be able to text her till Sunday night. He agreed but he was almost always on his phone when we were playing. No matter what he was doing he would drop everything when his phone vibrated to respond as quickly as possible. The second most infuriating thing that happened that weekend was when he got a text from her and told us all to leave because Jasmine was coming over. The most infuriating thing that happened that weekend, was later Sunday night when I was at home and Nathan was with Jasmine, I texted him a single question about Borderlands 2 and his response was "Not now I'm with Jazz"

No matter what was going on he would always respond to all 643 of her texts (I took his phone before I left to check how many texts he'd had since 9am Saturday) Then when he was with her, he responded with the worst possible message.

He doesn't talk to us at school much anymore and if he does talk to you, he will almost always pull out his phone to text Jasmine. If you try and text him, his texts have become one worded messages.

Like I said, we're happy he has a girlfriend, but we're not happy that he isn't doing anything with us anymore, we're especially unhappy with the weekend, and I myself, am incredibly disappointed that his girlfriend of 2 months has been placed ahead of his friends of 7 years.

I've been trying to get the message across that if he completely ditches his friends and devotes everything to Jasmine, if something goes wrong and they break up he won't know what to do, because honestly, the three of us are starting to hate him for this.

Even his girlfriend agrees that he needs to hang out with us more but she doesn't force him to.


What should we do to get him to realise that he needs to maintain a solid friendship with us?
Honestly though he's so attached to her that if they do breakup, he won't be able to get used to life without her, because she is his life, he doesn't communicate with us enough anymore and if he loses his three main friends, he won't have any friends to go to for support, and that is why the saying "Bros before Hoes" exists.

Thank you for reading
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Posted ImageThe Starf is a Lie
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Run...
You need to sit down with Nathan on an one on one conversation, and make sure he's paying attention - tell him it is extremely important that he listens. I say one on one because if you have all your friends, it may feel like more of a collective attack then a talk to raise concerns
Talk to him about how you and your mates have really missed hanging out for him, and that you feel like he has been neglecting you guys for far too much. Tell him that y'all are really glad for his relationship, but that you he has spent so much time with Jazz that you're now feeling like you're not really his friends anymore. Maybe (I say maybe because I'm not sure if it will work) take him out to an activity that was really special to your specific group of friends and remind him of how much fun he had.
You may also want to talk to Jazz separately - while it's good that she admits something needs to be done, the fact that she doesn't do anything is a bit of a problem. Tell her the same thing - you miss all the good times with your best friends, and that while you're very happy for them, he's spending far too much time with her to the point that y'all are feeling ignored.

If neither work, I think you may want to question how much of a friend he's worth. Spend some distance away from him, and if things don't get better, maybe Nathan isn't a true best friend.

I fear for Nathan, because this kind of clinginess is a road trip to disaster. If they get into a fight or even break up, he'll be crushed by the realization of how much time he had devoted to something that ultimately fell apart.
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Posted ImageAndrew
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The man your man could smell like
Starf actually made the point I was going to say which was talk to his girlfriend. Admitting the problem is the first step, taking action is the second, and by not doing anything she's contributing to the root cause just as much as he is. The unfortunate thing with teens these days(im a teen, this isnt some old person ranting lol) Is that they're really desperate to grow up, so once they get in their first relationship, or even any relationship, it tends to be their main concern as they have yet to even experience it much.

Talking with Nathan is probably your best bet, Make SURE you stress sincerity over hostility, if you talk to him with any slight indication of being angry he'll probably shut down and get defensive(something I learned from my dad lol) and then the conversation is over, not necessarily on speaking terms, but on progress. I've always been a list person so maybe make a mental list of some of the key points of what happened, like the Halo night, how that really upset you and your friends and they felt as if he really doesn't want to be you guys' friend anymore.
Also:
Trainer Zero
 
...if you have all your friends, it may feel like more of a collective attack then a talk to raise concerns


To comment on what starf said, I think the Halo night thing was supposed to be something of that nature, so I think that might not work with this situation since he's totally absorbed.

He will most likely be mad at you and act hostilely towards you, he might say that you're just jealous and that you are trying to ruin his first serious relationship(I assume its his first since he's acting so childish) So prepare yourself for the worst pray for the best.
If you have any specific questions idk if I can answer them but i'll try in a PM if you need a second person's input.

Good luck man,
~Posted ImageAndrew

Sources: Experience, Dr.Phil(L0L) jk just experience Dr. Phil is about like abusive parents hehe.
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Posted ImageSuper neoN
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Prepare to be amazaed
Well it's not his first relationship but it's the first one he's cared so much about. Nathan's a really Lax person. I tried confronting him about this all yesterday using some advice I got from you both. He wasn't going to say I was jealouse cause he isnt that sort of person (let's just say that there isn't much to be jealouse of)

He appologised for the Halo thing but he still doesn't want to spend any less time with her. I'll try talking to Jasmine today. Last night though he said he would play borderlands 2 with me and promised me he wouldnt text her. Later on though I found out that she was at work and couldn't talk to him anyway.
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Posted ImageAndrew
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The man your man could smell like
Man that seems like such a gloom gasty thing to do, like you're on the back burner. Honestly, after that I would consider just stopping communication with him, when/if they breakup if he really wants your friendship he'll come to you. I can't take it when people think I'm a second choice.
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Posted ImageSuper neoN
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Prepare to be amazaed
The three of us already planned that. We decided that if he really wants us to leave him alone that badly, then we will and see what happens
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